I am being eaten up inside by all that I wish. I know my path and I have found more sign posts but still I walk alone. I am tired. My head is fuzzy as though from a hangover but alcohol is of no interest to me. What drives me is what clouds my thoughts. I need confirmation that I am good. I need confirmation that my path is righteous. I need confirmation that my journey is not futile. I want someone to care. I want to know that someone cares. I am depressed. This comes and goes. The doom and gloom is staying around a lot more it seems lately. A change is needed. A change is possible. I don’t know if I am able. I don’t know how to take the first steps. I am scared.
I want this to be easy. I am taking on the world. This can not be an easy thing to do. I wish though that it was. Fighting everything around me. Trying to show that there is better ways. Trying to be heard. Trying to exist. Trying not to become that which I fight. The easy way out is to surrender and go with the crowd. My life has never been easy. I wouldn’t like my life/I wouldn’t like myself if it was easy. I am alive. I wish to keep living.
I need to find others that believe the same as I do. I want to belong but not to hide. I want to lead the march but not hand out the orders. I want others beside me. I want to be beside others.
January 3, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Important note:- Don’t forget to spend time enjoying the person that you are NOW. That is the person we see and the person we enjoy hanging out with. Part of that person is driven to be something else, something better but that is a part of what makes up the whole and it’s the whole that we love!
January 3, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Watch the movie “Into the Wild” – will explain a bit more than I have managed to on this blog.
This post was a venting of frustrations at feeling helpless and alone. I have friends (yourself included) who help but until I can live in the world I want I will continue to have these frustrations.
The person I am now is a product of many things including where I have been and where I am going. I have many influences both good and bad because I let myself be open to others and their ideas. This is how we learn to grow. Like working on the stations I observe and participate in many activities – a lot the same activity just performed by different people in their own unique way. From all of these I learn how I can perform them my best. This is how I have always lived my life and wish to continue doing so until I can no longer function.,
“Only through others do we truly find ourselves”